My second eldest sister and I have been REALLY close to each other ever since I was young, even though she’s like 9 years older than me. My eldest sister is 11 years older than me, but she’s always been more serious and mature like my dad. Hence, she and I never really have ‘personal’, touchy-feely convos, unlike me and my other sis.
Well, when my second sister left for Perth to study in college when I was only 9, I guess my subconscious dealt a hard blow, although in my mind it never dawned on me just how much of an impact it had on my self-esteem, confidence, and general happiness. I cried for days after she left, and then again after she returned to Perth after coming home for holidays. My mind was always filled with negative thoughts like “How will I ever survive school and puberty without her guidance and support? and ” I am so unlucky to be so much younger than her and that’s why I’m stuck here alone.”
Sure, I was close with my mum, but not on the ‘best friend’ kind of terms.
I guess all that plus the pressure I put on myself to be perfect academically, and to be liked by my peers, led to the onset of anorexia when I was 12.
I’m definitely much happier now than I ever was in the depths of my eating disorder, not just because I’m finally in Perth with my sister, but because there’s so much more to life now for me. However, sometimes little reminders catapult me into thinking through my eating disorder, like the fact that my sister eats soooo much, but her BMI is like, 16.
I mean, she’s much shorter than me, her frame’s really tiny, and she’s always been underweight, but she has a completely normal relationship with food. Not to mention, she wants to GAIN more weight, and is always worried that her arms look too bony. She even drinks 1 Fortisip a day now!
Why does everything seem so much easier for other people?
Tests, assignments, exams… they are all coming at me full throttle. Naturally, my ED tries to tell me to restrict as a coping mechanism, but unfortunately, I really can’t afford to take days off in recovery…
Which is why I am always stuck in the ambivalent, stagnant state where the last stubborn vestiges of this ED just won’t get out of my mind, allowing me to gain those last few kilos and develop ‘healthy, normal’ eating habits, whatever the definition of that is.
So I’m stuck here with feeling ‘safer’ by restricting and being able to concentrate on studies, yet at times, my mind wanders to thoughts of food and I feel hopeless and tired. Is there really no way out but to go cold chicken and do everything exactly opposite to what my ED tells me, no matter how scary and uncomfortable it is to feel like I’m ‘losing control’? Should I just rip off this bandage off my festering sore, all in one go? The pain might stick with me days, months, even a year, before I even get to feel the comfort and joy of living a completely ED-free life.
So this is what I need to ask myself. What does the REAL Susan want for the rest of her life? To avoid social situations where she has to eat against her will just to look like she fits in, only to try spitting out the food into her napkin whenever no one is looking? Anyway, who IS the real Susan?
My stomach’s been feeling a little iffy since yesterday… maybe it’s because
of the homemade pizza I had of me being foolish and kinda restricting before that. Obviously my stomach wasn’t happy with me and is throwing a fit now because of all the air I filled it with while I was hungry.
Oh well, punishment accepted, but I can’t let myself slip! Although it’s really hard to, especially when I get triggered by pictures of models and get successive bad body image days.
How I wish I could throw ED out of my mind! As irrational as I know my ED is, it’s hard to see myself living a life without it’s influences in it, and then I just get stuck in a rut where I say “Oh, you’re not on the verge of death anymore, so you don’t need to gain anymore weight.” !!!!!!
Today, on the first day of term, and I was at the bus stop waiting for a bus back to the train station after school, I realized that NO BUSES WERE COMING. Moreover, I noticed the buses taking detour into another route, and I had no idea how to navigate my way there. Then it dawned on me: Changes must have been made to the bus routes because of all the roadwork going on around my school area. I then had to walk ALL THE WAY TO THE STATION, which wasn’t that bad as its only about a 10 minute or so walk, but then it just had to start raining as I started to make my way there. I fumbled clumsily with my umbrella as I cursed under my breath, but I finally made it.
Then when I reached home, I was delayed yet again by my next door neighbor who told me that his brother had accidentally kicked his football across to our yard (mind you, this happens ALL the time… my sister’s dog was happily chewing on a stray tennis ball in our yard this morning). And so, already tired and hungry, I had to retrieve the ball and return it, At least I managed to do it all politely, complete with a smile.
And then….. I could finally relax. All I wanted was my arvo snack (Choc Fortisip and a Japanese choc-filled Momiji Manju, which is a maple-leaf shaped cake) which I devoured happily and contentedly.
Now, what was I so worked up about again?
Wow, food really IS the best medicine.