Live to eat, Eat to live

So it’s kinda a weird situation…

My second eldest sister and I have been REALLY close to each other ever since I was young, even though she’s like 9 years older than me. My eldest sister is 11 years older than me, but she’s always been more serious and mature like my dad. Hence, she and I never really have ‘personal’, touchy-feely convos, unlike me and my other sis.

Well, when my second sister left for Perth to study in college when I was only 9, I guess my subconscious dealt a hard blow, although in my mind it never dawned on me just how much of an impact it had on my self-esteem, confidence, and general happiness. I cried for days after she left, and then again after she returned to Perth after coming home for holidays. My mind was always filled with negative thoughts like “How will I ever survive school and puberty without her guidance and support? and ” I am so unlucky to be so much younger than her and that’s why I’m stuck here alone.”

Sure, I was close with my mum, but not on the ‘best friend’ kind of terms.

I guess all that plus the pressure I put on myself to be perfect academically, and to be liked by my peers, led to the onset of anorexia when I was 12.

I’m definitely much happier now than I ever was in the depths of my eating disorder, not just because I’m finally in Perth with my sister, but because there’s so much more to life now for me. However, sometimes little reminders catapult me into thinking through my eating disorder, like the fact that my sister eats soooo much, but her BMI is like, 16.

I mean, she’s much shorter than me, her frame’s really tiny, and she’s always been underweight, but she has a completely normal relationship with food. Not to mention, she wants to GAIN more weight, and is always worried that her arms look too bony. She even drinks 1 Fortisip a day now!

Why does everything seem so much easier for other people?

342 REBLOG

67779) I often wonder if I’m the only one from my class who has an eating disorder.

(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders)

me: shout out to my parents for combining their genes to create the most unattractive, weird, annoying and awkward person ever

56 REBLOG

965 REBLOG

spiritualinspiration:

“…he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6, NIV)
It’s interesting that the last thing Jesus said on the cross was “it is finished.” It certainly looked like the end. It looked like it was over. But I believe that wasn’t just a statement of fact; it was a statement of faith. He was saying to His Father, “I’ve done My part. I’ve fulfilled My destiny. Now I’ve got total trust and confidence in You that You are going to finish what You started.” Even though it looked like the end, in reality, it was only the beginning.
When it looks dark in your own life and things aren’t going your way, dare to make that declaration of faith just like Jesus. “It is finished.” What you’re really saying is “God, I know You are going to turn this situation around. I know You are going to heal my body. I know You are going to restore my family. I know You are going to give me the breaks that I need.” Don’t go around complaining. Speak victory over your circumstances. Trust that He is faithful and that He will complete what He’s started in you!

3 REBLOG

Being busy and stressed is no excuse

Tests, assignments, exams… they are all coming at me full throttle. Naturally, my ED tries to tell me to restrict as a coping mechanism, but unfortunately, I really can’t afford to take days off in recovery…

Which is why I am always stuck in the ambivalent, stagnant state where the last stubborn vestiges of this ED just won’t get out of my mind, allowing me to gain those last few kilos and develop ‘healthy, normal’ eating habits, whatever the definition of that is.

So I’m stuck here with feeling ‘safer’ by restricting and being able to concentrate on studies, yet at times, my mind wanders to thoughts of food and I feel hopeless and tired. Is there really no way out but to go cold chicken and do everything exactly opposite to what my ED tells me, no matter how scary and uncomfortable it is to feel like I’m ‘losing control’? Should I just rip off this bandage off my festering sore, all in one go? The pain might stick with me days, months, even a year, before I even get to feel the comfort and joy of living a completely ED-free life.

So this is what I need to ask myself. What does the REAL Susan want for the rest of her life? To avoid social situations where she has to eat against her will just to look like she fits in, only to try spitting out the food into her napkin whenever no one is looking? Anyway, who IS the real Susan?

1 REBLOG

Tummy problems again?!?

My stomach’s been feeling a little iffy since yesterday… maybe it’s because ~~of the homemade pizza I had~~ of me being foolish and kinda restricting before that. Obviously my stomach wasn’t happy with me and is throwing a fit now because of all the air I filled it with while I was hungry.

Oh well, punishment accepted, but I can’t let myself slip! Although it’s really hard to, especially when I get triggered by pictures of models and get successive bad body image days.

How I wish I could throw ED out of my mind! As irrational as I know my ED is, it’s hard to see myself living a life without it’s influences in it, and then I just get stuck in a rut where I say “Oh, you’re not on the verge of death anymore, so you don’t need to gain anymore weight.” !!!!!!

3472 REBLOG

183685 REBLOG

desolve:

It will take just 37 seconds to read this and change your thinking..Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.His bed was next to the room’s only window.The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.The men talked for hours on end.They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation..Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind’s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.Days, weeks and months passed.One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.It faced a blank wall.The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.She said, ‘Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.’Epilogue:There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can’t buy.‘Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present .’The origin of this letter is unknown, but please pass it on.

REBLOG

Bad things come in 3’s, but I’ll survive =)

Today, on the first day of term, and I was at the bus stop waiting for a bus back to the train station after school, I realized that NO BUSES WERE COMING. Moreover, I noticed the buses taking detour into another route, and I had no idea how to navigate my way there. Then it dawned on me: Changes must have been made to the bus routes because of all the roadwork going on around my school area. I then had to walk ALL THE WAY TO THE STATION, which wasn’t that bad as its only about a 10 minute or so walk, but then it just had to start raining as I started to make my way there. I fumbled clumsily with my umbrella as I cursed under my breath, but I finally made it.

Then when I reached home, I was delayed yet again by my next door neighbor who told me that his brother had accidentally kicked his football across to our yard (mind you, this happens ALL the time… my sister’s dog was happily chewing on a stray tennis ball in our yard this morning). And so, already tired and hungry, I had to retrieve the ball and return it, At least I managed to do it all politely, complete with a smile.

And then….. I could finally relax. All I wanted was my arvo snack (Choc Fortisip and a Japanese choc-filled Momiji Manju, which is a maple-leaf shaped cake) which I devoured happily and contentedly.

Now, what was I so worked up about again?

Wow, food really IS the best medicine.