Live to eat, Eat to live
*I am not pro-anything... well, I guess I'm pro-recovery! Feel free to drop something in my ask... I'll try to answer back!
I know that’s really silly and irrational, and I’m not going to share the details of exactly what I’ve been doing and what’s been happening… but I think that this disorder is starting to consume me entirely.
I moved to my second sister’s new apartment last Saturday and I really enjoy it, but my ED and OCD behaviours are really giving my sis a hard time. I don’t blame her. Not to mention, my behaviours are getting worse (hoarding, food obsessions, weird habits, restricting etc.). I mean, here she is in her new home: one that she’s saved up for and waited for for years just to live comfortably on her own… and I have to come intruding wit my disorder. Actually, let me just correct that, it’s only my DISORDER that’s intruding. However, I’m the one that’s letting it in, so I’m aiding and abetting its heinous crimes.
Ooops… hit a plateau again in recovery….. I need to motivate myself more to keep increasing! After all, I want to achieve a full life as soon as possible! It’s hard, though, cause ED thoughts are really sneaky and surreptitious and even more so when I’m preoccupied with uni stuff =P
So I’m channeling my inner Katy Perry / tiger and I’m proud to say that I’ve gained slightly over half a kilo this past week! Because of that, I’ll still be able to stay here and study… on the condition that I don’t go backwards and keep making steady progress eating- and weight-wise. That’s not too difficult, really… I just need to put my mind and efforts into it! I need to keep going if I want to finish my studies, get permanent residency, get my driver’s license, and have a successful career down the track =)
Now I can focus on getting my Sem 2 uni books and get cracking… except this time, I’m gonna make absolutely sure that I balance it well with my eating and health!
So here’s the deal: My parents think that I should be given a chance to prove myself and gain weight on my own, and want to see me put on some weight by next Wednesday and keep gaining after that. If I don’t show any progress (quote: ANY progress ie. not eating more etc. etc., not necessarily just not showing significant or speedy weight gain) then they think it’s best that I return home so I can focus on my health. They want to prioritise my recovery… things like studies can come after.
I realised just how much my parents love and care for me, regardless of my illness. I mean, my other sister and brother-in-law have given up hope on me, and I don’t blame them. It must be very difficult to have me living with them in their own house and to have to see me wither away and not care about my own health.
However, I’ve started to take a turn for the better. I know it’s now or never, do or die. If I don’t start loving myself the way my family does, then what’s the point of life? My dad already bought land here in Perth and our house is gonna be built soon… if I don’t show progress, then all of that will be flushed down the toilet and I have to stop uni. I know I’ve realised this a bit late, but hopefully it’s better late than never?
I’m proud to say that these past few days I’ve been tracking my intake religiously and trying to increase it in increments. What was previously less than half a grain serve at each meal has become 1-1 and 1/2 grain serves, and I’m drinking more milk and Sustagen. Sure, I’ve slipped up a few times, but I have taken the responsibility to try to rectify those mistakes cause I know that I can’t keep deceiving myself.
Now, fingers crossed that I can persist with my efforts and feel comfortable with making more increases to my intake… I’ll need to pray extra hard, listen to more motivational songs, read more inspiring recovery blogs (I love living-with-anorexia.blogspot.com!), and use healthy methods to distract myself from negative thoughts, especially because uni reopens next week and I’ll have to be packing enough food for myself!