Live to eat, Eat to live
*I am not pro-anything... well, I guess I'm pro-recovery! Feel free to drop something in my ask... I'll try to answer back!
So my mum’s just came over from Malaysia again, but for longer ( a few months) this time until uni lets out at the end of the year and I go back with he for the holidays. This, of course, is assuming that I’m managing well with her helping me to prepare food and motivate me etc. and that I can manage to gain some weight… if I can’t, then I’ll probably be going back in a matter of a few weeks.
It’s not so bad, really. This disorder has taken away so much of my life that I just want to focus on recovering an getting as healthy as I can before I focus on anything else in my life. If it means deferring from uni for a year or even longer, I’m prepared. I mean, what’s the use of focusing on everything else if you don’t have health? Truthfully, without health, you won’t even be able to focus, period. Which just means that you’re wasting away even more of your half-life (if you can even count having an ED as having a life).
I guess you can say that I’m on the Maudsley approach right now, and it seems like a reasonable option to me. I really love my mum so hopefully having a more family-based approach will make the path a little smoother. It’s really hard when I have OCD as well, though; my mum’s only been here since yesterday afternoon but already I’ve had a few ‘control’ issues and dramas over her touching and preparing food etc.. However, I am proud to say that I rebounded pretty quickly and have made the conscious decision to try managing my anxiety better the next time I get OCD temptations! My mum can see that I’m trying really hard as well, and she knows that I have the right mindset to recover, so I really want to make the best of this opportunity so my myself and my family can be put out of the misery that anorexia is causing!
I’m contemplating posting up intakes and/or intake pics just to motivate myself, just like lots of you lovelies that I follow… what do you think? I think I’d do it if I can find time between studies and my other activities. Oh well, I’ll try to post again soon (I know I go for long inactive periods!), so bye for now! (PS Dinner was a roasted chicken drumstick with 1/4 cup couscous and steamed broccoli. I’m aimed at increasing my portions bit by bit everyday!)
You need food, for thought.
For brain function.
Eat, think, live.
I know that’s really silly and irrational, and I’m not going to share the details of exactly what I’ve been doing and what’s been happening… but I think that this disorder is starting to consume me entirely.
I moved to my second sister’s new apartment last Saturday and I really enjoy it, but my ED and OCD behaviours are really giving my sis a hard time. I don’t blame her. Not to mention, my behaviours are getting worse (hoarding, food obsessions, weird habits, restricting etc.). I mean, here she is in her new home: one that she’s saved up for and waited for for years just to live comfortably on her own… and I have to come intruding wit my disorder. Actually, let me just correct that, it’s only my DISORDER that’s intruding. However, I’m the one that’s letting it in, so I’m aiding and abetting its heinous crimes.
Ooops… hit a plateau again in recovery….. I need to motivate myself more to keep increasing! After all, I want to achieve a full life as soon as possible! It’s hard, though, cause ED thoughts are really sneaky and surreptitious and even more so when I’m preoccupied with uni stuff =P
So I’m channeling my inner Katy Perry / tiger and I’m proud to say that I’ve gained slightly over half a kilo this past week! Because of that, I’ll still be able to stay here and study… on the condition that I don’t go backwards and keep making steady progress eating- and weight-wise. That’s not too difficult, really… I just need to put my mind and efforts into it! I need to keep going if I want to finish my studies, get permanent residency, get my driver’s license, and have a successful career down the track =)
Now I can focus on getting my Sem 2 uni books and get cracking… except this time, I’m gonna make absolutely sure that I balance it well with my eating and health!
So here’s the deal: My parents think that I should be given a chance to prove myself and gain weight on my own, and want to see me put on some weight by next Wednesday and keep gaining after that. If I don’t show any progress (quote: ANY progress ie. not eating more etc. etc., not necessarily just not showing significant or speedy weight gain) then they think it’s best that I return home so I can focus on my health. They want to prioritise my recovery… things like studies can come after.
I realised just how much my parents love and care for me, regardless of my illness. I mean, my other sister and brother-in-law have given up hope on me, and I don’t blame them. It must be very difficult to have me living with them in their own house and to have to see me wither away and not care about my own health.
However, I’ve started to take a turn for the better. I know it’s now or never, do or die. If I don’t start loving myself the way my family does, then what’s the point of life? My dad already bought land here in Perth and our house is gonna be built soon… if I don’t show progress, then all of that will be flushed down the toilet and I have to stop uni. I know I’ve realised this a bit late, but hopefully it’s better late than never?
I’m proud to say that these past few days I’ve been tracking my intake religiously and trying to increase it in increments. What was previously less than half a grain serve at each meal has become 1-1 and 1/2 grain serves, and I’m drinking more milk and Sustagen. Sure, I’ve slipped up a few times, but I have taken the responsibility to try to rectify those mistakes cause I know that I can’t keep deceiving myself.
Now, fingers crossed that I can persist with my efforts and feel comfortable with making more increases to my intake… I’ll need to pray extra hard, listen to more motivational songs, read more inspiring recovery blogs (I love living-with-anorexia.blogspot.com!), and use healthy methods to distract myself from negative thoughts, especially because uni reopens next week and I’ll have to be packing enough food for myself!