Live to eat, Eat to live
*I am not pro-anything... well, I guess I'm pro-recovery! Feel free to drop something in my ask... I'll try to answer back!
So I’m channeling my inner Katy Perry / tiger and I’m proud to say that I’ve gained slightly over half a kilo this past week! Because of that, I’ll still be able to stay here and study… on the condition that I don’t go backwards and keep making steady progress eating- and weight-wise. That’s not too difficult, really… I just need to put my mind and efforts into it! I need to keep going if I want to finish my studies, get permanent residency, get my driver’s license, and have a successful career down the track =)
Now I can focus on getting my Sem 2 uni books and get cracking… except this time, I’m gonna make absolutely sure that I balance it well with my eating and health!
So here’s the deal: My parents think that I should be given a chance to prove myself and gain weight on my own, and want to see me put on some weight by next Wednesday and keep gaining after that. If I don’t show any progress (quote: ANY progress ie. not eating more etc. etc., not necessarily just not showing significant or speedy weight gain) then they think it’s best that I return home so I can focus on my health. They want to prioritise my recovery… things like studies can come after.
I realised just how much my parents love and care for me, regardless of my illness. I mean, my other sister and brother-in-law have given up hope on me, and I don’t blame them. It must be very difficult to have me living with them in their own house and to have to see me wither away and not care about my own health.
However, I’ve started to take a turn for the better. I know it’s now or never, do or die. If I don’t start loving myself the way my family does, then what’s the point of life? My dad already bought land here in Perth and our house is gonna be built soon… if I don’t show progress, then all of that will be flushed down the toilet and I have to stop uni. I know I’ve realised this a bit late, but hopefully it’s better late than never?
I’m proud to say that these past few days I’ve been tracking my intake religiously and trying to increase it in increments. What was previously less than half a grain serve at each meal has become 1-1 and 1/2 grain serves, and I’m drinking more milk and Sustagen. Sure, I’ve slipped up a few times, but I have taken the responsibility to try to rectify those mistakes cause I know that I can’t keep deceiving myself.
Now, fingers crossed that I can persist with my efforts and feel comfortable with making more increases to my intake… I’ll need to pray extra hard, listen to more motivational songs, read more inspiring recovery blogs (I love living-with-anorexia.blogspot.com!), and use healthy methods to distract myself from negative thoughts, especially because uni reopens next week and I’ll have to be packing enough food for myself!
How did I get into this relapse?!? Eating seems like an impossible task… each spoonful of food feels like a mountain and it’s like I can’t swallow sometimes. My portion sizes are shrinking and my stomach wrenches in hunger, but when food is in front of me I get so anxious that I just eat less in order to stay within my ‘safe’ portions.
S*** how did this disorder manage to sneak back and swallow me whole? It feels like I’m wallowing through mud and my future just seems murky…